


you know i love a

by cosmicsarcasm



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: AU, But like also, Gen, No Smut, SO, and the line is a taylor swift lyric, birthday gifts, hbd bailey!, i don't ship harringrove, i guess like it's weird but we can meet, i just wanna say that, i really do try, just cause we do, my first fic ever smh, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25041928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicsarcasm/pseuds/cosmicsarcasm
Summary: steve harrington and billy hargrove were just two ordinary high schoolers, leading two ordinary lives. until a scoop of ice cream changed them forever.[ harringrove au ] {DISCONTINUED}
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. paint me a grey sky

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greyspilot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyspilot/gifts).



> okay basically this is an au where billy and steve meet and stuff and things get complicated between steve and nancy as well as billy and his girlfriend because you know, love. it's my first fic and was supposed to be a gift but i really wanted to expand it so here we go i guess!

“hey, welcome to scoops ahoy, how can i help you?” steve recited the same, dreary old phrase again, just like every single day, ever. he sighed. ah, well. his father put him through this. to prove that since he hadn’t gotten into king’s, duke, or any other reputable college, he became a scooper. leading a horrible, simpleton lifestyle, ignored by his family and friends, the kids were his only company.

“what’s good here?” a petite-sounding voice rang out. huh, cute, steve thought. we get kids, but not those kinds of kids. he yanked his cap off, a smile on his face, as he turned around. “what’s taking so long, bitch?” as he turned around from the window, he came face to face with a gangly teenager- around his age, actually, but much stronger, and with far more muscle. aka, the him he never was. daaaaaaaaamn, he thought. that guy do be hot. “i SAID, what’s taking so LONG?” the boy yelled. steve cleared his throat and studied the boy carefully. “welcome to scoops ahoy, how can i help you? would you like to take a ride on our river of flavour today? we can begin with rocky road, before proceeding to mint chip, and then to-“

“yeah, yeah, fuck it, which one tastes like blood?”

“i- i’m sorry?”

“excuse my brother. he’s an asshole,” announced a redhead as she slid into the store on her skateboard. “max mayfield. good to meet you,” she told steve without skipping a beat as she seamlessly ollied, flipped the skateboard over and into her arm, and elbowed the boy, who glared at her. “that’s him, billy hargrove. probably gonna win asshole of the year or something,” the girl shot at billy while deciding on an order, and within a minute she declared that she wanted two rocky roads with extra marshmallows on one for billy. “because he’s a reeeeeal softie.” steve snorted- earning him a stony glare from billy- before serving up those two cups of ice cream. “ahoy mateys, have a good ride!” 

steve entered the back of the store, but he heard his name being called. in an unmistakable voice. “what?” he went out but no one was there. in fact, he double checked- and he was the only one in the store. he knew who that voice belonged to, but he didn’t want to admit it. could he be having hallucinations? no way. he hated that boy. “bitch”? he hadn’t been called that in years, only by his fucked up asshole father. and yet, he felt a strange connection. almost ethereal. otherworldly, like something that he’d never experienced before. nancy wheeler was his first fake love, designed to please his friends. he had never experienced love ever, was this it? this emotion, overwhelming him inch by inch, love?

but then, being in love with a male would make him- 

oh no. oh god no. with everything that was going on, he was gay? not that he had anything against it, but-

but what the fuck?

his dad would never accept him now. should he choose to forget this love, this blooming, blossoming light that was inside of him, or should he pursue it? pursue this person whose badassiness was so overwhelming, it was almost attractive? wherever steve went, he would see billy. billy’s voice would be in his ear, softly whispering. it was annoying, and yet in a weird way, it was attractive. it was mean, but in the best way possible.

steve gazed out the window. the sky was turning grey, and it was getting dark soon. he began to hum, a familiar tune as he yanked off his uniform, revealing the “i probably love cats” shirt underneath:

paint me a grey sky  
a rainy cab ride  
babes don’t threaten me with a good time  
they say home is where the heart is  
but that’s not where mine lives…


	2. nights in brixton /

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> billy has similar feelings for steve, and begins to explore it on a deeper level while living in denial about everything he's ever done as well as his background.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear reader,  
> i tried really hard to be a badass here. please enjoy *insert joe keery reaction pic*

/ he likes my american smile /

BILLY

i wish we hadn’t met that day. i wish that she hadn’t made such an effort to introduce us. i wished that she didn’t want ice cream, for that was what caused everything to happen, everything to go downhill. deep in my heart, i knew that he would always be prevalent in my life, yet some part of me wished for that to be untrue. i desperately and deeply wanted to undo the past, for i knew that it would never be the same.

“max, you bastard!” i hollered in her face. i honestly wished she hadn’t forcefully put us together, as was the magnetic force pushing us apart. loathing coursed through my veins, as i pulled her up by her collar. “maxine mayfield! you are grounded for-“ well, what was she grounded for? “-being a bitch.” deep down inside, i knew that she was trying really hard to get us together, and i mean, i can’t say it didn’t work. i had a special place in my heart just for steven, and he was cool and all.

we just were so different. i couldn’t tell for god’s sake what he was up to, yet i loathed him so much. but the loathing… was it loving? i’d never experienced love before, ever. not like anyone had ever bothered to give me any; not that i’d seen a point in giving anyone any. it was why i treated max that way. a part of me wanted to love her, hug her and smother her in a weird love, but i had to make her strong. i had to make her like… like me, even though i didn’t exactly want to.

somehow, somewhat differently, i wanted max to be great. i wanted her to be beautiful, resilient, strong and everything that made a girl a girl. i realised that i had to let go of her, but i didn’t want to. i didn’t want to turn her into a free flying bird, nor did i want to make her a dog on a leash. i knew it was time for her to venture into the outside world, but i enjoyed having her here. i enjoyed her company, and also i enjoyed making a show of her.

“mmmm what? it’s not the first time you’re calling me a bitch this week. it’s the-“ max looked at her arm- “54th time. what makes you think i care?” truthfully, i didn’t know. i didn’t understand why i was like this. perhaps it was my rogue upbringing or my horrible personality that made me physically unable to get with girls. i think it was both. and yet, i craved attention, recognition, and i did that in the worst way possible.

maybe we could turn back time, take the long way home. i wish it was different. i wish i was different. i wish everything could change. i wish i wasn’t me.

but i was.

i was billy hargrove.

and i had everything to prove to everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so um i really liked how the first chapter turned out and decided to expand the plotline! i found it fascinating how steve could have met billy in a completely different scenario (aus are fun to write) and even though it's supposed to be a birthday gift i saw ~potential~ in the story and wanted to expand it further! and also yes all the titles will be taylor swift song lyrics and for those people who hate my writing in small caps i can't help it thank you


	3. because you break them /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my god this chapter was so long i'm not even kidding. it was a journey to write and was super fun. i loved it and every bit of it, and thank you magey for helping me with some of these! also it's my first time writing a kiss. weird. and since i'm a big fan, try to spot the john mulaney & taylor swift references in this chapter! more coming soon x

for the next few days, billy and steve didn’t meet. steve was leading his normal life, playing around with his friend robin, and it was as if billy hadn’t existed. this is why first loves don’t exist, he thought. because they ruin you. they break you, piece by piece, until you are nothing but raw rubble inside. and even then, they corrode you. they make it so that you can’t survive anymore, in this cruel world. even ice cream, scoops ahoy ice cream, his one favourite thing, tasted so bland. it tasted so normal, just like water.

“hi, can i take a sample of the mint chip please?” oh my god. steve had had ENOUGH. he was just so- so done with those children. it was bordering loathsome at this point. every- fucking- DAY. “rob can you go get that?” he hollered. if he saw that girl with pigtails one more time he would begin to go on a murder trail. erin? eric? he didn’t even bother with names.

“soooo. steve fuckin’ harrington. toast of the town. the hot one. i actually wonder what you’re doing here at an ice cream store.” oh, jesus. steve clenched his jaw and turned, for he knew who it was. it was the one person he didn’t want to see. fucking hargrove. “good lord, after you blew me off like that you have the audacity to come back here? get out of here. take your epipen or whatever you use to create your problems, take your goddamn epipen and get out of the store! get the FUCK out of my store!” steve had no energy to be irked any more. he just didn’t want the world to be this fucked up. it was all going downhill for him, and he didn’t know what had come over him, just that he was fucked up.

“that’s what i thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse.” billy yanked off his sunglasses and forcefully snapped the rubber band holding his blonde ponytail together. (a/n: i dont know how this works ahha) and at that moment, steve fell for him all over again. it was like a teenage fairytale, his very own cinderella story. except, it wasn’t a glass slipper, it was a scoop of ice cream, but it had the meaning of a dove. a bringer of peace. it came to reconcile, to sew their gap.

“so, what flavour would you-“ steve turned to face billy, and his eyes grew wide as billy yanked him close. his heart palpitated inside his chest and as fear coursed through his veins, he found that there was no reason to worry. for in billy’s eyes, there was not a single ounce of mean. it was just pure, pure love. unadulterated love for him, love for everything about him, and steve relished it, bathed in it, smiled a weak smile as billy pulled him in for a kiss.

and steve kissed him back.

in that moment, it seemed like everything had disappeared; they weren’t in scoops ahoy any more. they were in their own fantasy, free for the both of them to create. they could build a castle out of all the bricks others threw at them.

“what the fuck is going on here?” a voice called out, pulling the both of them out of their reverie and back to reality. their eyes widened in synchrony as steve let go of billy, and billy shoved steve down onto the ground- but it was too late. they knew robin had seen. and it was too late.

“uh… fuck you! get out of my fucking store with you and your annoying butt!” steve yelled in an attempt to control his laughter. suppressing a snort, billy grabbed his skateboard and ambled off. in truth, steve had been really surprised by the turn of events, and he smiled from ear to ear. and as he turned, he thought, this is why we can’t have nice things, darlin’; because you break them i have to take them away. this is why we can’t have nice things. “welcome to scoops ahoy, how may i help you?”

it was real. love, i mean. it was real for him, and he knew what it felt like. to have a part of you taken up by someone else in such a large quantity, to be able to place someone over you. to care about someone at such a high level that it was almost nauseating, yet it was pleasurable as well. he was learning. baby steps. he was learning to embrace who he was and learn to love. 

so why’d you have to rain on my parade?  
i’m shaking my head, i’m locking the gates;  
this is why we can't have nice things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it and i hope i don't look back 10 years down the road and cringe so hard. have a good day


	4. and i'm yours to lose /

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just when steve tries to get over his feelings for nancy, an unexpected occurrence and someone's feelings for him are revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO why am i trying anymore. i just thought it'd be fun for (redacted) to not have the storyline that was originally set for them! also pls enjoy aaha, i have feelings about this (it took me like an entire day for this chapter wkwkknakjndkhdk)

_i’m not a bad girl but i do bad things with you_

steve stepped into the hawkins theatre. he vaguely remembered the time he painted “nancy wheeler slut” on the big billboard outside. now, it was filled with pictures of new movies - and only the remains of his words were left. like ashes, they would never fade away. even from a distance, the neon pink faint streaks were unmistakable, just like the streaks he’d painted on nance’s heart from years ago.

oh, nance. if only she knew that it was all a ruse. if only she knew. deep down, steve regretted toying with her heart like that, with the fine strings intertwined around his fingers. at least i did one thing right, thought steve. letting go of her was the best decision i ever made. he knew it was hard, and he felt bad for nancy, who really did love him. unlike steve, nancy was real. she was pure, and she had the capability to love and hold. she treasured steve and he knew she always would remember him, forever and always. 

steve’s one wish for himself was to find hope. find hope in every situation, because growing up, he’d never seen what hope truly was, not like his father (who, by the way, was his only family) had bothered to give him any. all he wanted was to understand others like nancy did. nancy was loving no matter what, and he… well he was on a different level. his love, or what he thought was love, it was periodic. sporadic and short, just like everything he’d ever done. scoops ahoy was his only solace, his only hope of sustaining a humble yet sophisticated (in a way) lifestyle.

but being gay was a different story. he didn’t know of anyone who was gay, they were either killed or forced somehow to become straight. and obviously, he didn’t want that to happen. he didn’t want to be separated from the man he truly loved, but didn’t want to be forced to be someone he wasn’t; and he didn’t want to be the person he was. so who was he? who was steve harrington, king dingus, best mom? who was he lately? it felt like he was distant, so away from the whole world that it wasn’t even funny anymore. he just wanted to be… he. and whoever he chose to love shouldn’t affect that.

he wanted to be free, to be steve harrington without doubts or trouble. and that meant letting go of everything that he’d done, everything that he’d felt. except he wasn’t sure he could do that. everything about hawkins was homophobic. people were the worst in hawkins, and he was definitely sure that he wouldn’t be able to come out in peace. didn’t the last person who came out leave hawkins for good or something? he really didn’t know what he should be doing at that point. because he couldn’t hide his gayness. he should be raising the rainbow flag high above his head, running along the grass patch, showcasing his pride in peace. but instead of that, the flag smothered him like a blanket, a noose, suffocating him second by second.

“steve?” he vaguely heard a voice, a girl’s voice. he was too tired to decipher whose it was, but he responded anyway. “yeah?”

robin slid beside him. the theatre halls were empty; they entered one and sat down, not like anyone cared. honestly, steve didn’t know if he liked robin or not, like they were friends, but not like lovers. just, everything about robin screamed pretty in his way, and he would love to be with her for a day- BUT just for a day. in truth, robin would make a great friend, but steve’s heart was already taken, he didn’t know if he could split it into more pieces.

“you wanna talk about things? i’m like really tired and i just could use a friend right now,” said robin. “sure,” replied steve. he, too, could use a friend. he was questioning him, and everything around him, and it wasn’t like he had much to do anyway, so i mean, why not?

“so you know, um, when you do that thing with your hair?”

“when i do what exactly?” steve was confused.

“where you run your hand through your hair and it pops up again. i um, i think i um, i find it hot.”

“you what?” this conversation was getting weirder and weirder every minute. steve was trying so hard not to cringe but he knew where it was going. probably something about doing it less. (a/n: we all know where this is going if you don’t you shouldn’t even be here)

“um. so. i think what i’m trying to say here is-“

the room went silent as robin bit her lip, contemplating her next words. or you know, silent-er than it already was, because there was nobody in the hall except for the two of them.

“-steve harrington, i think i’m in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it because damn robin buckley-


	5. tall dark and /

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steve reveals his secret to robin, but discovers an even more shocking revelation from robin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter barely makes sense lolllllllll. i will definitely go back and edit this later it's highly messed up lmao and i need to re-read it it makes no sense. aight time for chapter 6  
> (sorry for the sporadic activity!!! i've been having exams)
> 
> (ps thank you for 100 hits in like what 3 days?!?!?! that's so hot omg)

“what the fuck?”

“i um, i think i really like you. i can’t take my eyes off you, and every time you smile it turns me on just a little. i think i wanna spend the rest of my life with you, steve harrington. i know this sounds dumb but i think i really love you.” robin reaffirmed her stand with that sentence, leaving steve reeling in shock.

“no i think you’re misunderstanding. do you know what love is?” asked steve. not only could he not believe that someone actually liked him, he also didn’t really want to say he liked her back. because that would mean he was stuck in a two-way relationship, between the girl who liked him and the guy he liked. and that was the worst part of sandwiches. you know, the little piece of vegetable that’s used to soak up the sauce but really is rendered useless, tasteless and ends up being all greasy.

“yeah fuck yeah. i fucking know what love is, okay? it’s you and me, that’s my whole world. there’s nothing that could mean more to me than you, you dingus, and i know deep down in your heart that you love me too,” a smirk crept across robin’s lips as she put her head on steve’s shoulder. steve’s posture shifted uncomfortably. “no, robin, i don’t like you. okay? i’m so sorry but i have to hurt your feelings like this. i really don’t like you.” steve could see robin’s face fall as her world crumbled down in front of her. “but… but why don’t you like me?” robin muttered quietly, holding her Coke cup with her hand trembling. steve knew that it was a do or die; and he knew that robin would understand- he hoped she would understand.

“i um, i think i’m not attracted to you because i- i’m attracted to someone else.” he breathed deeply. inhale, exhale. inhale, exhale. “who? is it tammy thompson? she was looking at you very very seductively during math class. oh my gosh that flirt. if it’s her i’m gonna kill-“

“no it’s not tammy. i don’t like tammy goddammit! it’s not her, it’s someone else.”

“well then, who is it?” robin’s face was full of anticipation, but steve knew that she wouldn’t be that happy once he told her.

“it’s… it’s billy. billy hargrove. i think i’m in love with him.”

“but steve. billy’s a guy.”

“yeah.”

“what? o-oh.”

“yeah, i think i might be gay.”

“and i- i think i’m bisexual too.” robin replied.

“you’re- you’re what?”

“look. when i said i’d kill tammy thompson, it’s not because i didn’t like her. i didn’t like the way she was looking at you in class, because i wanted her to look at me. i wanted her eyes, her attention on me. conversely, i liked her. i liked her so fucking much, and i wanted her to look at me. you- you get that?” robin’s eyes were full of sincerity, full of love and joy, and steve knew that she truly loved tammy. not that steve cared, but at least knowing they were both on this journey together made him feel a little better.

“i like you as a friend, robin. but i think i have to accept that i’m gay. and coming out is gonna be really hard for this scooper, and i hope that you understand. let this be our little secret, okay? just you and me. i can’t bear to think about what’ll happen to us if i come out. or even you. please. keep this between us.” steve chided robin gently. “just us.”

“just us. promise?”

“i promise.” steve put his arm around robin’s, and just like that, their relationship was broken, yet they’d never been more together. “thank you, robin, for helping me find myself.”

“you’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmk if it makes any sense to you aaha! thanks for reading this far congratulations you've put up with my shit and i love that for you


	6. never grow up /

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> billy! billy! billy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter, haven't been struck by inspiration lately and im doing other things so that's fun

BILLY

i was 5 at the time. just a small child from a small town, but what i’d experienced was far from small. my parents had divorced twice, remarried once, and i lived with my abusive uncle. i didn’t know what i was supposed to do in life anymore. i wished i could be just me, myself and i; enjoying life like i never did. my only family was max, but i wouldn’t call her family. she was more of a plaything than a person. my life included throwing books at her, threatening her and just making her life hard in general. so in conclusion, i made her life the worst.

why did i do that, you ask? in my head it’s to make her strong but really? i don’t know. i don’t know what made me want to channel my anger at a 3 year old girl, and traumatise her for the rest of eternity. it’s definitely not what i should be doing, but it was the way i was raised, so. i didn’t know how to raise anyone another way, and being nice was not something that i could do. i just wanted my life back, i just wanted to be loved again.

but max was a pest. max consistently made my life harder. every time i had to go on a date, she was always there to torture me. i had to stay and take care of her because my step-parents were absolute shitheads. and i- i had a feeling steve’s were too. and maybe that’s why i connected to him so much. why we had an almost telepathic connection to each other. or you know, that’s what i thought.

weirdly. i understood steve more than anyone else i’d known. it was like we were one and the same, meant to be together. even though our situations might be vastly different, we completed each other. like two pieces of a puzzle, or two poles of a magnet. meant for each other.

(a/n: i used google translate for this pls don’t attack me 2020) there’s a french phrase called la raccordement. it’s a linking, a connection, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t sever it. my mom used to tell me that, that my relationship with my father was just like that. (a/n: sorry jenny han) it was a connection more than anything you could ever imagine, more than a mental connection, more than an emotional connection, it was a heart to heart connection. in experiencing raccordement, you became one. the two people who shared the connection could never be separated, ever. and somehow, that was everything.

that was just like me and steve. once we met, we formed a connection. like an unbreakable curse. it would take death to part us. all of a sudden, the term “til death do us part” took on a new meaning. i just wanted us to reconcile, to have a common platform to share. but it seemed like the now was never. like it would never happen. not the “we’ll never be friends ever” kind of never, never never.

they’d never be together. 

but that was the kind of never billy hoped would happen anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it!


	7. and i'm yours to lose /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!! sorry it's been a while this chapter is a mess i'm sorryyyyy. anyway so fun story my tumblr deleted itself so yeah!! my new blog is @hollywheeler if you wanna go check it out (canon url goalz) and i hope you enjoy this crappy chapter

it was something that they shared, that nothing could ever break. they both wanted to deny their relationship, but by that time, the relationship had run far too deep for denial to occur. the both of them were so deeply in love that nothing would stand in their way. even though they’d only met like, twice, and considering how the school term hadn’t started yet, to have such deep feelings for each other was undeniably hot.

just then, the phone rang. in his hurry to answer it, steve tripped over the telephone cord, but thankfully the phone was still working. “billy?” his eyes were full of hope. if only billy would phone his house, everything would be fixed. he was not sure if billy had the same feelings for him as he did, but it would only take 8 letters to confirm it all. all it took was 8 letters, i love you.

“no, you asshole. it’s max.” “oh.” steve’s face fell as he asked, “so what’s up max?” he was hoping that max had called with a message from billy, to be honest. he hadn’t let go of hope just yet, but he was hoping that billy had something to tell him. “so anyway, billy wants me to tell you something. i think that softie was too scared to tell you himself because you are both real big marshmallows and he wouldn’t want to bweak your wittle heart would he?”

“just say it already,” steve let out a guttural noise, and he could hear the smile in max’s voice as she said, “billy would like you to leave him alone. he is bothered by your actions and he does not like you.” steve’s heart sank. “he doesn’t… what?” a million thoughts flooded through his mind as he recalled their brief encounters. how did billy not like him back? after everything they’d done for each other? no way. there was literally no way that steve didn’t have the same feelings for him. although steve wished for that to be untrue, his heart denied it. if he wasn’t in love with steve, why would billy kiss him? why would billy smirk at him?

denial overwhelmed steve’s heart. i mean, if i wasn’t in love with him, it would all be easier for me. i wouldn’t have to struggle with discrimination for being gay. nobody would attack me for who i loved. but all at once, he wished that it would change. he wished that he had never met billy in the first place, that this whole situation hadn’t blown up like that. now that his life was in the mess that it was, he might as well embrace the mess. for two magnets had to repel eventually. it was only a matter of when.

he did not know if billy was undergoing the same process as he was, struggling with finding himself and finding his place in the world. hell, he didn’t even know billy that well, he just wanted a place to live, a place to coexist with others and be so fucking gay but to the point where nobody else would care. he just wanted to live. to be able to be freely him, without anyone judging him for his sexuality. who he loved shouldn’t define him as a person, and neither should billy’s existence.

both of them intertwined were a force that couldn’t be reckoned with.

and yet, they were ever so vulnerable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eet thank you for making it to the end! (or if you just scrolled here that's okay too hehehe) lmk what you thought about this because i have mixed feelings oopsie


	8. HIIIIIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry!!!!

hi everyone! so let me tell you a story!!

i wrote chapter 8 but i forgot to backup to drive (aka where i always backup to), and my computer crashed and wiped out all my notes. so now i have to rewrite the chapter, im sorry everyone!!!!!!! i will post soon, asap :) i also have edits to work on, rip


	9. one single thread of gold /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! sorry everyone it's been a while. i have exams and my fic got wiped from my old computer because my hard drive crashed... it's a long story, so in short i am rewriting chapters 8 and 9 but it is a ~lil~ messy, but i get to put in folklore references now~~ it's out!! how cool is that hahaha. anyway enjoy!

BILLY

why was i such a coward? why did i have to get max to make that call for me? it made no sense. nothing made sense. why did we exist? was i trying to shun the world, shut everything out? i wanted love. and i knew i'd found it. but i was just too unwilling, too scared to accept that. was wanting enough? 

(a/n: i'm going on edit block so this is also gonna be bad, the blocks come together) time was a fluid thing. flowing from me to you, but once it passed from one person to another, there was no way to gain it back. like a memory, it would slip away into a moment in time. but i needed time. yearned for it. wanted it more than i would admit, and yet, it was the one resource i did not cherish. i wish i'd told steve about my feelings, what i really felt about him, instead of bottling it all up inside and getting my stepsister- a twelve year old, for fuck's sake- to send him, what? a breakup call?

i called myself king billy. i was the greatest. and yet i didn't even have the audacity to tell someone that it was all fake. i'd never experienced love in this magnitude. it was summer flings, hot girls. (a/n: no ew) it was like a game of never have i ever, because never have i ever truly loved someone, and never have i ever loved a dude. but i knew that harrington was true love. we were destined to meet at some point, to form a relationship against all odds.

look, 1983 is extremely fucked up. people are the worst, and it's not like anyone cares if i date harrington, but i care. i care about being gay even though it means being with the one i loved. i wanted him, and i hoped he wanted me too. but i'd said no.

said i didn't want him, said it wasn't him that i needed. said i wanted something more from life than simple love, when we were anything but simple. wanting wasn't enough for me; i yearned. i desperately needed the feeling of being cared for, loved, cherished. i brushed off a tear, the most un-billy thing i'd ever do. mom's face flashed before my eyes, as i recalled us on the beach, surfing together, building sandcastles, just as the castle crumbled before my eyes. how i missed her. i wanted to be loved again, but not in that way. i wanted to be warm, to have someone to lie on, a shoulder to cry on.

being gay isn't an achievement. it's not something that i wear as a badge of honour, not something that i wave around like a flag. it's just part of who i am, a small figment of what makes me, me. the heart wants what it wants, and my heart wants steve.

it was like there was some invisible string between us.

pushing us together, but pulling us apart.

but deep down, i wanted nothing else.  
i wanted him.

and i know he wanted me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it!!


	10. i had a marvellous time ruining everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO HEY EFERYONE im sorry this came so late rip !!!! im busy w school n stuff and this is shitty forgive me but enjoy

steve loved school. nobody knew, and nobody needed to know, but he loved school. for real. it was his safe haven, the only place where he felt remotely like him. with a fucked up family, school was the only place he could let out his anger and be free. even though he knew he was a bully, even though he knew that it wasn't right, he desperately wanted to be loved the same way nancy loved him. loved. because now he knew. nancy never loved him with her whole heart - her heart was always with jonathan byers.

but steve loved her back.

having someone not love you is like a knife in the heart. like a bullet circulating through your system before it dissolves into nothing. for a while, you feel betrayed. you feel anger, pain, hurt and fear, but then it's like nothing has happened. because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

with billy though, it was all different.

it was more than an infatuation, more than a brief summer fling. this was the love that he wanted to last. he reminded himself that nothing lasts forever, but he knew they would. something inside of him tied them together, an invisible string. 

he dreaded the new school year. he really didn't give a fuck about his grades - honestly. he couldn't care less. all he wanted was love, and now that his only chance at it was gone, he might as well just go bang his head on a wall. it's not your fault, he reminded himself, billy was the one who broke up with you. but deep down he knew - it was his fault.

what if you met me, the true me? would you have me? would you want me? he thought. it was an ode, to their friendship and their love, to everything they were. even though he knew they were not much, he believed they would be stronger together. they were meant to be.

steve didn't give a fuck about being gay anymore because love was what it was. but this year, school would never be the same. they were in the same grade, which meant they were bound to meet. somewhere, somehow, they would, and if billy hated him - they wouldn't get along.

but steve hoped it was fake, just a small thing, that he could turn back time.

he wished he could try to change the ending, peter losing wendy. because billy was his favorite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tOLD you it was shitty


End file.
